Early Indicators and behaviour.

A Brief History of Mine.

As a child I was a pain in the arse. I sought attention so much that I lied to get it. I lied about pretty much everything. Initially, my parents thought it was down to a phase and that I would grow out of it. I didn’t stop the lying phase of my life until I was 30 years old. I lied to everyone about anything and it was tragic. I stopped when my lies almost cost my liberty and my relationship with my ever-tired family. There are people who were in my life at that point who did their utmost to hurt me because of lies I told and I didn’t deserve what happened but I shall not speak about them or about what happened for they don’t deserve the attention that they so desperately wanted.

Anyway, I never grew out of the lies as a child and I lied about everything from things I had to places I had been. I always got found out and would be embarrassed but then I would move on with another lie about something else and the cycle would repeat itself. I got bored so easily as a child and looking back and having dealt with issues, the lies were my way of occupying my over active mind. This was the first indication that there were things wrong with my mental health but through numerous reasons, it wasn’t fully dealt with.

As I got older, the lying became a mask. I could be anyone and have any type of life and people wouldn’t need to know me. The real me. How could they? I never knew me. I would have invented life stories about myself to appear more interesting or more fascinating. It worked. Until I was found out again and again and I had to move on. As I entered my late teens I noticed that I was very impulsive and ridiculous with money. I would buy silly things and get into debt very quickly as I never weighed up the options or risks of anything. I didn’t know it at the time, but this was also another indicator that my  mental health wasn’t exactly ticketyboo.

I went to my GP  when I was 22 years old because I remember breaking down crying one night for no reason whatsoever. I couldn’t explain why I did it but I did. My GP wanted to refer me to a mental health team and as a 22 year old man, naive, full of shite, ashamed of the words “MENTAL HEALTH” I never went to any appointment with them and simply told myself to “get a grip of yourself.” Years passed and I became a father and my mental health problem was ticking away in the background. It was always there. A divorce and a home repossession passed and I went back to inventing versions of me because I didn’t want people knowing I was a mid-20’s male, divorced and skint.

What followed was 6 years of my life that I wish I could go back and do all over again. 6 years that I wish I could have went in a different direction. 6 years that ultimately led to me almost losing everything.

Then in 2014 I moved abroad to work. I was to work as an entertainer in a bar for holiday makers. It was whilst being abroad I met my fiancee and came home to be with her. She is the only person, outside of my family, who knows me. Knows the extent of my life and is the person who encouraged me to seek proper help for my mental health. It is thanks to her that I am here, in my lovely home, typing this to you now.

I am continually recovering and trying to make amends to myself for the past and the best way I can do that is to help others and make tomorrow better than today.

So there you have it. A  brief outline of where my bi polar disorder originated from and where I am. Throughout the blog posts I will make sure to detail events, thoughts, instances of pain, hurt, laughter, stupidity and everything in between.

Until next time.

 

JD x